Tale of Two Towns Comedy Show
by Juxapose4ever
Summary: A stand up comedy of Harvest Moon: Tale of Two Towns


Hello everyone!

My name is Vale, the guy farmer from Tale of Two towns. The one with the many outfits, not the doofy guy with the blue hat. I've been playing Tale of Two Towns for a while now, and I must say that I am having a blast! The game is fun, the animals are cute, and the girls are pretty. But I must say that Konohana and BlueBell are the two strangest places I have ever lived.

I have a farm in Bluebell, and I have a lot of animals. I have some chickens, some sheep, some cows and some llama looking creatures called alpacas. Now all these animals are real cute, but some can be pretty weird.

Take for example my chickens. Jessica told me that I can now buy some Silkie Hens. And here I thought that I would get some cute fluffy hens like I've always seen before, but I think Jessica ripped me off. All I got was a black chicken. Now, I ain't no chicken expert, but last I checked, a black chicken is still a chicken. Not trying to be racist here, but when that chicken got to my farm, I just stared at it for an hour. Then I told it, "You're here to lay eggs, not steal them!"

Thankfully, it did lay eggs. But what's strange is that it lays black eggs. I just looked at that black egg, and I told the black chicken, "Well, we all know it's yours! Can't deny that egg, looks just like you. No need to call Maury for this one." And Jesus, is that black egg scary. I mean it looks like the egg of the Devil! Every time I look at it; I just want to cook it before the anti-christ hatches!

I decided to go back to Jessica, and she offers me to impregnate my chicken. Woah! Last time I checked (and I check it every day), chickens lay eggs. Why do I need to impregnate my chicken? Why can't I hatch my eggs like I used to do? And why do you hold the chicken for two weeks? What the hell are you doing to it?

So I am told that I can now buy Jersey Cows. Seriously? Jersey Cows? You can keep your Jersey Cows. I am from Jersey, and I know that Jersey milk taste like s***! I mean why do these cows come from Jersey? Can't they come from Colorado or something? And I thought this game is from Japan? There's a Jersey in Japan? Where? I would think I would be able to get an Okinawa Cow, or a Nagasaki cow.

Now I love sheep. Sheep are cute, and gives warm wool. So when I was offered a Suffolk Sheep, I wanted one. I don't have any idea what a Suffolk sheep is, but I didn't give a damn. But when it got to my farm, it was a sheep with black skin making white wool. Last time I checked, that is genetically impossible. Sheep with black skin makes black wool. What sort of illegal science experiments are they doing to these animals to make black chickens making black eggs, and black sheep making white wool? And when I sheer the Suffolk Sheep, the wool comes out as "Good Wool". What does that mean? The wool from a normal sheep is crappy wool then?

What's the deal with the Owl? I mean that thing must be the strongest bird in the world. It is literally strong enough to carry a 150 pound human being down a mountain and not crash. Whatever steroids that owl is on, I want some. I'd have unlimited stamina with that much roids. Plus I can jump on it's head, and it rewards me with positive chimes. Either that, or the owl is a living squeak toy. What sucks about owning an owl is that it sleeps inside the house. Can't sleep while the damn thing is hooting all night long.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love horses. Heck, I rode one into the village for crying out loud. But once I got a bigger cart, I wanted a bigger horse. So I "rented" one from Kana. Now last time I checked, doesn't rent apply that I am only borrowing the horse, and I must return it after a certain amount of time? Cause, I still have the horse after years of "renting" it. And after I rented the horse, my old horse was gone! What happened to it? Did Kana sell it to the Glue Factory? I mean, I am not complaining, the new horse is much better. I try to think about it like my horse evolved, like a Pokemon.

Alpacas are cute animals, but they are just like sheep. That makes me wonder, why can't I have other animals other than Cows, Chickens, and Sheep with pallet swaps. Alpacas seem to be the only uniquely shaped animal. If I had it my way, I would own Goats to make milk, and Turkeys to make eggs too. I would even pallet swap them to make them have different colored product. I would have a black goat, and call it the Obama Goat. A rainbow colored Turkey with huge tail feathers and call it the Kim Kardashian Turkey. That would be awesome!

Now I would never hate on the Alpacas. Those cute long necked sheep got me some of the most awesome clothing in Konohana. But I must say that because the clothing is awesome, I sometimes wish I was a girl. They get better clothes than the guys! And have you seen the girl's cute outfit? That's like a pedophile's wet dream come true! I would so wear that as a girl, and shake my tush at Kana. Little pervert just loves girls in mini skirts. I would even say girly things at him like "not today, but maybe someday!"

I tell you, being a girl is so much better. I'm a guy, and the girls I can marry are just plain annoying! I mean, they are all cute, but each of the girls have something about them that just grinds my gears. No wonder none of them are married when I got there. Cause nobody wants them! Even after you marry one of them, the rest of them all end up single. Five girls who will die old and alone, that's just messed up!

Lets take Reina for example: She studies plants for a living. Now, I don't know what she was thinking picking that career path, but what sort of mind breaking truth to enlightenment can you find from a bunch of weeds? No wonder she's always broke, everytime she sends me to get stuff for her, she always says, "This is all I have". She gives me about a hundred or so gold, which translates to about a real life dollar! Yes folks, that's all she has, about a dollar! Then she asks for junk from the hills, like rocks! She has some sort of delusion that she can find fossil seeds from a bunch of rocks. Listen, whatever weed you're studying, you need to sell me that stuff! Cause if you think you're gonna find a discovery from rocks, you must be high!

Now lets talk about Nori. I tell you, that's one expensive b****! She makes clothing for a living, and she sells her clothing for so much, Gucci yelled "Bulls***!" She sold me a set of clothing for 60,000 gold! That translates to about six hundred dollars. I be damned that I would buy a set of clothing for that much money. And has anyone noticed that she is Asian? If that is not a racial stereotype, I don't know what is?

Georgia is nice. She's the stereotypical American ranch girl. A girl who likes to eat bugs! I never seen her eat any, but I give her bugs as gifts every day, and she keeps accepting them. And she likes 'em! You go to her room, and you never see not one bug you gave her. How else do you explain where the bugs you give her went? I could see her take her daily gift of bugs, tells you "Thank you kindly" and has a big old bug buffet in her room! She then throws away all the cages so there is no evidence.

As far as Laney is concerned, I just have one question I would like to ask her. What the f*** is up with her dad? I mean Howard looks like Arnord Schwarzenegger and Mrs. Doubtfire had a baby, and something went horribly wrong. He's not gay, cause he has a daughter, and we all know how babies are made. Say what you want about Laney's family, she's the only girl in town with a mom and a dad. Even if her mom and dad are the same person. Howard must have made love to himself, cause no man or woman would make love to him. As far as how he gave birth, I would like to quote the famous Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, "The world may never know!"

Alisa is by far my favorite girl. I mean, she's finally allowed to get married, but who would want her? After three games, she still won't put out. All this talk about being a priestess and all. Girl, if you don't cut that bulls*** out, you gonna get a divorce with the Harvest Goddess' blessing! I mean Lara from Rune Factory Frontier is a nun, and she gives it up to her husband; and she gives it good!

The Oracle is the funniest marriage candidate in town. I mean, she's Harvest Moon's first cougar. You can talk about the Harvest Goddess, Witch Princess, Leia, and Keria all you want, the Oracle is Human. When you ask to marry her, she claims that she is much older than you. Damn girl, even Muffy doesn't say that, and she is 30 years old! How old are you anyway? You must be like some several hundred years old or something! I mean last time I checked, Oracles can read fortunes and tell the future. That's how old she is folks; when she became the Oracle, fortune telling wasn't invented yet! I am so glad that they made this character, because I can finally use my "The Oracle is so old" jokes.

The Oracle is so old, her birth certificate is etched in stone!

The Oracle is so old, her birth year is in B.C.!

The Oracle is so old, she lost her virginity to Jesus!

The Oracle is so old, the only person older than her is God!

The Oracle is so old, when she breast feeds her baby, she gives powdered milk!

The Oracle is so old, she played Dance Dance Revolution during the American Revolution!

The Oracle is so old, when I asked her to act her age, she died!

Okay, that's all the time I have. Thanks for coming!


End file.
